Even though I try to always remain positive and maintain the mind frame that I can accomplish anything that I want as long as I remain positive, 2009 didn't really go ideally for me. There was the end of me and FF which began the process of accepting it for what it is and completely letting go. It's been overwhelming at times and even now, I still feel a wicked connection to him even though we haven't talked in months now. I can wish it away as much as I want but it's just a part of me that I guess will be present for the time being. Today it's his birthday, day 1 of my period and a rainy, gloomy Monday in Los Angeles so I feel pretty emotional right now.

I am getting better at accepting the situation for what it is and also accepting that the whole thing had a great impact on me the last few months of 2009. It prevented me from being as productive as I wanted to be. It prevented me to be successful in losing weight and because I was processing it all, it prevented me from starting to date again. That is all fine....I guess that is just what my heartbreak required but now it's time to put all that behind me and start to focus on me and accomplishing some personal goals.

I often find the need to take things day by day. I guess that is why it's hard for me to set goals for the entire year. From what I've had in mind, I have some pretty aggressive goals that I have set for myself and I guess my goals for the second half of the year will depend on whether I accomplish what I already have in mind. So this is how it breaks down.....

Weight
I continued to gain and am pretty much starting at 180 lbs. It is what it is. I cut out all alcohol and started back into an exercise routine so far in 2010. My eating habits started out really good and I was making an effort to make healthier choices but this last week, I fell off the wagon again. I realized I need to put my energies towards something that has worked for me in the past and just do it regardless of how hard it might be. So today I started the Lindora meal plan yet again. It pretty much is the only thing that has ever worked really well for me in the past when it comes to weight loss. I realized it will work a lot better if I am consistent in taking certain days to prep my food and having it stored in individual meals and ready to go. So I figure, I will cook on Sundays and Wednesdays and put aside three days of lunch and evening meals since breakfast typically consists of an over easy egg and a piece of wheat toast. I also steamed some green beans because I like those and can eat them either cold, room temp or warmed up so it's a good snack to have ready and in sandwich baggies. I prepared sugar free jello so that is handy to quench any evening sweet cravings and I have oranges available for daily snack too. With being this organized, it will work if I can manage to sustain my willpower and keep myself in ketosis. There will always be the occasion where it's impossible to deviate from the meal plan. Like this Saturday I am getting together with my family to celebrate my birthday. It's so nice to get together with family but I hate the distraction. I know a piece of birthday cake is not going to kill me but it will throw me out of ketosis and once the body gets any amount of sugar it will crave it and it feels like taking two steps back and then having to struggle taking that next foot forward. So consistency will be my focus, as well as maintaining my desire to do this and the willpower it's going to take to finally be successful after starting to gain this weight over the last year and a half or so.
I made the conscious choice not to drink alcohol at all through the end of March so the plan is to stay on the meal plan through the end of March too. Since typically I lose a lb a day on the diet, my goal of losing 40 lbs is definitely achievable. I so look forward to fitting into my clothes again and regaining the self confidence that is currently lacking in my life.

Finances

I have a very precise plan where my finances are concerned. I have already filed my taxes and should be receiving my refund in about ten days if everything is on schedule. With that, I will pay off one of two loans I have outstanding through a retirement plan. Once it's paid off, I will pull out a new loan and with that, pay off the second loan I have on the other retirement plan. Again, I will take out a new loan from the second plan as well. With the total amount I pull out, plus what is left over from my income tax return, I will not only be able to put about $8,000 back into my savings but I will be able to pay off a lot of credit card debt. With finances, if all goes as planned, I should only be left with about $10,000 of today debt by April. Then will be bonus and raise time and then I will determine how much of that will go towards the remaining debt and if any will be put in savings.
There are expenses that will come up and plans for purchases that I have in mind. I need to replace the front speakers in my jeep since one is blown out and I have been driving around like that for sometime already. I really want to buy a wii console and the wii fit plus. I want the kids to be more active and think it would be a great investment to not only have more quality time with Bella in particular but for us to be more active together. I want to purchase a laptop and get rid of the current computer at home. It's cheap and slow and since space is precious in my condo, I am eager to get rid of my computer station all together. I want to be sure the laptop I invest in can assist Alyssa since she is now in highschool and that it has everything she will need for school. At the same time, I don't want to spend $1500 on the thing either. Alyssa really wants a Mac but I looked on the apple website last night and they are just priced too high.

I also need to go back and see my plastic surgeon soon so my right implant can be examined. I think that over the last six months scar tissue has started to accumulate around the implant. It's really disappointing considering I've already had them in three years and had no issues at all for the first two years. So it's possible that I may have to have another surgery to get that corrected. If that is the case, that will be a significant expense. I think most likely it will be cheaper than the initial surgery but still. An expense I wish I didn't have to think about this year. I do not regret getting the implants for one minute though, even considering this complication. I would do it over again if I had the choice and I knew this happening was a possibility so it's just a matter of dealing with it. I also have dental work that I need to get scheduled and finished up. Since as of 01/01/10 I no longer am offered the dental coverage that I had before and now covered by Delta, I have no clues how my benefits work. The dental office is closed today but tomorrow I plan to get that sorted out so I can see what I'm looking at to get the work done and so I can begin to schedule the appointments. Alyssa also needs to have two cavities filled so I need to get her in too. Isabella.....I am even scared to take her in to get a full exam and set of x-rays but it has to be done so I will schedule that too.

I have also been experiencing some bladder issues called stress incontinence. It's very common in women who have had children. I really started to notice is last July when I was going to the gym regularly. I would sometimes have some leakage after running on the treadmill for a while. I think that actually started to make it worse and eventually discussed it with my ob/gyn when I had my regular pap appt recently. Overall, I am not really happy with my options to correct this problem. I also spoke to another physician who I work with and she suggested that I wait and not do anything right now. She feels that it's such a common problem with women that she anticipates there will be new options coming out in the next few years that might be even more beneficial than what is currently available. I also did some research on laser vaginal rejuvenation which is also supposed to correct the bladder issues so that is an option I am considering but a very expensive one. I would never opt to have the procedure done just for the vaginal rejuvenation because that is really not something I have an issue with as far as when it comes to intimacy but since the procedure would address the bladder, it's quite tempting. The pricing is from $5,500-7,000. I have been thinking about it but first need to find out what's up with my implant. If I don't require surgery to correct that, I would probably start considering the other procedure to correct the bladder problem. I hate that I need to give consideration to that problem anytime I want to go jogging. It's something that really bothers me and that I want to get resolved as soon as it's feasible.

Due to those things, I am not putting any thought right now into a vacation this year. But those things are up in the air and nothing has been determined yet. Another reason I want to focus on the first six months of 2010 and then take it from there later in the year. We will also be having a sweet 16 for Alyssa next February so that will be a big consideration the second half of 2010 since we'll need to reserve the hall, among other things.

To sum it all up when it comes to finances, there is no way to really plan how your finances will roll out for the years since I'm sure there will be plenty of unplanned expenses in addition to these that I already have in mind, but my optimum goal will be to be completely debt free by 01/11 with the intent of looking for a condo or townhouse of my own to buy so I don't have to rent any longer. It's something my family has been pushing for quite sometime and something I've been pretty good at avoiding. It just never felt like the time was right but I realize I am getting older and it's time to think of investing and not throwing my money away each month.

Work/Career
I have big plans in this area too. I decided I want to return to school and plan to enroll in the local community college as soon as I am able. Even if I am just taking one class at a time, this is something I definitely want to start working on. I know I do not have enough time to start at the beginning of this next semester but I think I can be enrolled and starting by the summer session. In addition, I want to sit for the second certification I can get in my field. I already got the first certification a couple of years ago and now it's time to get the other one under my belt too. My boss keeps reminding me lately that she will be retiring in 2.5 years so if I have any intention of applying for her job, I need to start working on my degree as well as getting that second certification. These goals will also be expenses that I will have to deal with.

Kids

My girls are both doing well and I can't say I have any specific goals when it comes to parenting them. I always try to work on my patience level with them and having a higher tolerance level to the things they do which are normal but frustrating/irritating. I just want to keep on top of my game as a mom and to keep my priorities straight so they are always first in my life. I want to continue spending quality time with them and setting aside one on one day for me and each of the girls too. That is also important and so enjoyable for me and the girls.

As far as dating and my love life, no current goals or plan. I definitely want to take off a good chunk of the weight I gained before getting back out there. I haven't really been dating for the past few months so I'm in no hurry. I don't necessarily feel like there's a void in my life or any loneliness really. Love always comes with a price and knowing I just don't have it in me right now to be in a healthy, successful relationship makes it easy for me. I know there will be time for that down the road and I do look forward to it but I think taking this time for myself is really invaluable right now.   I feel like a work in process right now and I have no doubt that I will be in much better shape in many aspects as the year progresses.  I am excited!