Happy New Year!  I'm a bit late for that but oh well.  I haven't technically posted. 

So I remember my friend D, who I've had a really bittersweet friendship with in recently months, saw the movie when it was in the theaters and said that it really messed her up.  I didn't really understand what she meant by that but I knew it was a love story.  I figured it was probably one of those super happy endings that makes you still hope there is a happily ever after in store for you possible still in this lifetime.  She is a single mom (like me), has two kids from different dads (like me) and her kids although a boy and a girl, are within a year of the ages of my kids.   She also happens to be FF's cousin and I met him at her sister's wedding.  Anyway, there is a lot that we relate on but we also are polar opposites in the way we think, live our lives and raise our kids.   So you can say we tend to disagree from time to time. 

Anyway, I finally got around to seeing it and it wasn't what I imagined after she had told me of her experience when she saw it.  It was the story of FF and I except I am the boy in the movie and he is the girl.  Hee hee.  It was just so crazy to see the male characters perspective in the movie.  He saw the girl and their time together through tinted glasses but regardless, he was so convinced they were going to be together.  That is was meant to be and fate had brought them together.  Meanwhile, she was having fun, enjoying him because she really did like him but in the end she had to stay true to herself.  So eventually when she ended it, I couldn't help but feel that gut wrenching sadness that I sometimes do when I think of him.

The character in the movie was miserable after their break up and couldn't seem to make any progress moving forward and letting her go for a very long time.  I can relate with that too.  I can honestly say that I have come way farther than I thought I would.  I can see now that I have enough self respect to not give him any part of myself now that I know it's not going to happen for us.  I am sure, that one huge thing that I could never say before.  So I guess this time I have put way more effort into the thinking that he will be somewhere part of the future in some way.

The female character told him shortly after meeting him that she didn't believe in love or marriage and didn't want anything serious.  But soon after she broke his heart, she actually married someone else. WOW!!!  I can't even imagine being in that situation in my own predicament.  I know it's very possible and therefore I have told Dee that she is to NEVER let me know if one Saturday I ask her innocently what she's up to that day when in actuality she is going to attend FF's wedding.  OMG, if those words came out of her mouth I think my heart would stop. 

So yeah.  I realized in the time of healing which has passed that I do still love him and always will.  It's not about changing any of that because how can you control that?  How can you turn it off?  I've writhed in my bed, gushing with tears in total frustration because I could never manage to make my feelings for that man stop.  It's a matter of accepting that it's not meant to be.  Although there was a deep connection, some very good times, mutual respect and deep caring for each other, we are just not meant to share this life together.  A part of me never thinks he'll find what he's looking for but the rest of me is terrified that he will.  I never wish bad on anyone so I can't say I hope he doesn't find the one and happiness but that thought is just so crushing to me.

The dude in the movie tried to stop himself from believing any longer in love and fate but as the movie ended, it was quite evident fate did step in.   He was in the right place at the right time and met someone he was completely taken with.  Just like the chick he so deeply loved met a guy that she became so taken with that she took the plunge and married the guy!  Something she said she would never do.   It was fate too that she met him randomly as she sat in a coffee shop reading a book.  Those scenarios excite me because now that I am really letting go of the thing I thought I wanted more than anything, I am starting to get excited about having an instance like that.  Where I accidentally meet the guy that will blow me away.  That will be my next love.  I know it will happen and I guess that is why I am in no rush right now.

I know there is a part of me that is purposely keeping myself out of the dating game because in dating other guys, it will be moving forward in that social aspect without him being in the wings.  That will be a not only obvious but deliberate move in leaving him in my past.  I don't think I am ready for that now but I think I am getting much closer.

It was really good movie even though it hit too close to home for my liking.  But it did make me realize that I am on the right track and I need to let go of the thought of FF being any sort of possibility in my future.  Letting go of that is equally as hard as moving back into the dating scene.  It wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be.  Maybe if I type that 1,000,000 it will sink in and voila....heart healed!  I wish!

2010 goals will be the next post.