Billie
Joined: 29 Apr 2000
Posts: 1206
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 Dreaming of DH
(1 comment)
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I had a dream last night (I know, I know, bear with me). In it, DH suddenly collapsed. As luck would have it, we were in a hospital (?), so he got immediate medical attention and was revived. We were told he had major heart problems and could die any day. He could also live weeks, months, or even years, they just couldn't tell.
I was, of course, devastated. It was a nightmare; I can vividly remember being in the grips of fear and panic. But what's interesting is that it ceased to be a nightmare even before I woke. I remember coming to terms with it in my dream. I told myself that we had to make every day count, because we never knew which day would be the last one with DH. I was still upset at the prospect of losing him, and couldn't even contemplate what that would mean to the kids, but I also remember a sense of peace. I remember how good it felt to live in the moment and cherish each and every day.
Which is not something I am doing these days. I don't make each day count, not by a long shot. Most days, I'm just trying to get through the day so I can get up and do it all over again.
I do believe it is unrealistic to expect every single day to count. But it's not unrealistic to expect a moment or two of every day to count, and I haven't even been doing that with regularity. I am marginally better at doing this where the kids are concerned, because there are so many reminders that they are growing up, that our time with them is fleeting. But I am terrible at doing this with DH.
So this morning I got up, fed the dogs, gave the one dog his medicine, fed the cat, cleaned the cat box, took out the trash, cleaned the kitchen, gave the kids breakfast, and let DH sleep in. Then, when it was time for me to leave the house (I have this new routine where I go to a coffee shop on Saturday morning so I can write for an hour or two), instead of yelling upstairs that I'm leaving, or worse, telling him to get his lazy butt out of bed, I made a pot of coffee and took a cup up to him.
Today would be a prime day for me to be crabby with DH. He's leaving this afternoon for a week in Europe, and I just can't seem to help myself, I always get crabby with him a day or two before he leaves on a big trip, especially when it involves weekends. I think that, in part, I'm trying to punish him in advance for leaving us, and, in part, it's my misguided attempt to make his leaving easier. If I'm irritated with him, and can convince myself that he's being an ass (rather than me, which is probably more accurate), then it's a case of "good riddance" when he leaves.
So...I will be the epitome of a loving wife today before he leaves, and I'll do my best not to punish him on the backend for having been gone.
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 Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 11:31 am
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