I didn't expect to be writing this, believe me.  Just as I was starting the healing process and getting past dh's emotional affair.  Me thinking it's over with him/her.  Thinking, "heck, at least they were never intimate with one another.  It was only flirting."  Then this morning at 1:30, I am woke up to him crying.  I am thinking he's in pain or something because it's been like 10 years since I've seen him cry and why else would he be crying?  Nope...not pain.  He tells me that he lied to me.  He slept with Keri.  Well, they started having sex and in the middle, he woke up and realized it was wrong, so he called the whole thing off.  So he didn't finish inside her.  But I also found out that they didn't' use protection.  Now wouldn't that just be the top of all tops?  What if she ends up pg?  After all of the IF treatments we went through, 2 m/c's (of which the last one was 3 years ago this last Saturday).  That would just be the biggest smack in the face...for her to get pg by a man that can't get me pg.  He also had to go to the doctor today b/c he said it was hurting to pee.  Nice, huh?  He doesn't have a UTI.  And guess what?  I'm the one who gets to deliver a urine specimen to the doc's office tomorrow morning so they can test for other STD's.  Isn't that just so wifely of me?  Am I stupid or what?  Geesh.  I guess maybe I am.  We've been intimate several times over the past 2 weeks, so if something comes back positive for him, then I have to go on antibiotics, too.  Great.  That'll help ease the pain...

But what if I still love him?  I mean, this hurts.  So bad.  I've seen him cry more today than I've ever seen him cry.  Do I think he regrets it?  Yes.  But does that make it easier for me?  I don't know.  I made him call his mom and tell her what he'd done.  She thinks he's the golden child and never does anything wrong.  I didn't want to carry the burden by myself, so I thought she should know the kind of son she raised.  He's also supposed to call his sister and his dad and tell them.  I told him I wanted it done by noon today, but he didn't do it...just his mom.

I feel so betrayed.  So hurt.  So much anger inside me.  But yet I love him.  I do.  I can't help it.  I said "for better or for worse."  I said I'd love him forever.  We took the vow.  We made the promise.  I want to forget.  I want to forgive.  But how?  I'm so lost and confused.  I don't even know where to begin to heal from this.  I've actually kept myself pretty together today.  My coworker even said that she can't believe how well I'm handling it.  I think it's because it doesn't feel real.  Like a dream that I'll wake up from and everything will be fine.  I'm also still in shock that I'm in this situation.

Granted, the past 4-5 years have been rough.  Dh lost his job, took a $18K pay cut.  Then got a new job so it was only a $12K pay cut.  But that hurt us.  I am the one who has all of the financial info, so I was holding all of our finances on my shoulders by myself.  Thank goodness I had gotten some raises and even talked my boss into a bonus.  That's what kept us going through our financial troubles.  We stopped talking to one another at some point.  I'm not sure when.  I think it was right after A was born.  There was a lot of stress with a new baby, no money, SIL who I thought (and still think) was doing something inappropriate with J.  It all just mounted up.  He quit talking to me, I quit talking to him.  We lived like roommates.  Bd'ing became a once a week or less "chore."  I felt like it was obligatory sex most of the time.  Oh, the kids are gone, we gotta have sex.  Oh, it's our anniversary.  We gotta have sex.  It's the weekend...gotta have sex.  We've watched movies together that I thought would help our relationship (like Firepr00f).  But dh failed to see the connection between our marriage and theirs.  Or there's another one that a friend recommended we watch that was kind-of along those lines.  Same way.  He didn't make the connection.  So we struggled.  I'm not saying I'm to blame for him wandering.  I'm not.  I didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him to pull down his pants.  But I also haven't been the perfect wife.  I've tried reading online things about how to be a better wife.  It lasts for a while.  But then it gets hard again b/c we're not talking to one another.  We forgot who C and V are.  We were (are) so worked up on taking care of the kids that we haven't taken care of the couple that we had been.

So now what?  I don't know.  I think we need to go to church.  And counseling.  Maybe with our pastor.  Or somewhere, anyway.  And I saw a book at the grocery store earlier today.  I think I'm going to go back and get it.  I think we could both really use it right about now.  If we want to keep going, we have to work on the "us" that got us here.

I can't believe I'm reliving the same thing I went through 2 weeks ago, but tenfold.  What would you ladies do?  Would you stay?  Would you leave?  I just am so lost.  I feel like I'm in a dark cave and don't know the way out.  I've walked around in a daze.  I have worked...I made sure payroll got done so everyone would get paid this week.  No one will appreciate that, though...they just expect it...that's the story of my life.

Damn.