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SecondTime
Joined: 31 Dec 2008
Posts: 13
Location: Midwest
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 Family Dynamics
everyone has an opinion!
(1 comment)
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Sigh. Everyone always has to have an opinion.
So ever since I had my son, I always hoped and thought that someday I would get married and most likely have another child. I come from a big family on both sides. My dad had 9 living siblings (and 2 died as toddlers) and my mom has 6 siblings. On my dad's side, a few of his brothers each had 7-8 kids. And I pretty much know all of them to some extent. Anyway I always liked being around a big family (usually) and thought I'd like a bigger family like 3-4 kids but felt I'd be lucky if I got 2 because of finances and the fact I work full time. When I had my son as a single woman and didn't know what financial assistance I might get from my son's dad, money was a big deal then too and some people (like my brother) even said out loud they were concerned I couldn't afford a kid. But he was not planned and I did work and all that and in the end it all worked out for the best, I feel. It was tight at times, but I made it through doing whatever I had to do even sharing a house with a friend for a few years. I was not on welfare, except WIC when I was pregnant.
Ever since I had my son, I really preferred to date people without kids for just that reason...I wanted to have more. So when I met my DBF, I was a bit put off when I found out he had three kids. But being a person with a child, I also was aware it's hard to find a good person period and the reality was I almost always dated people with kids because that's just how it worked out...many people without kids consider dating partners with kids as having "baggage" even though I had a pretty amicable situation. So I decided to go with it and really didn't know if it would go anywhere anyway. But now here I am, together for over two years and discussing this very thing...to have or not have another child. In the end, we decided it is something we want to do. Certainly finances have been discussed and it is the biggest concern but also how it will affect the other kids and our relationship. Right now, we basically have half weeks with no children at all. Kinda nice! We have some plans in place financially to get where we want to be.
So I've been talking to my mom about some of this. Long story about my mom but she isn't very good at necessarily knowing when it's ok to share people's personal life with other people. So I don't really want the rest of the family discussing my personal life and my choice to have another child.
So we were at a family party this weekend and my mom asks her sister about possible wedding venues in town because we are looking at this year because "she wants to have a baby soon." My aunt made a comment that she wasn't expecting that with four kids, that I'd consider another. The way she said it bothered me and I said to her, "you and I have discussed this before". So she says in a judgmental way: "That was before you were dating someone with three kids." So I was like, "ooookay." I felt like crying and my mom asked if I was ok. I said yes and then my aunt said that she was sorry if I felt bad because of what she said but that I took her by surprise that I would say that. So I went to another room and cried! Then my mom came to find me to see if I was ok, but I was mad at her for talking about my personal life in the first place.
In the end, I wasn't really that mad at my mom but was upset at my aunt for making the comment. My family has always been like this: sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong on both sides! I know it stems from concern but the bottom line is if I haven't asked their opinion I wish they would keep it to themselves!
I think I was particularly bothered because this aunt is usually someone I rely on to talk to about hard things and she can be very open-minded and down-to-earth. Also, I have been very stressed out as we wait for DBF's court case to be finalized so we can move on and plan finances better.
It made me think about things though. I think I was rattled but I think ultimately I need to do what I need to do for us and not anyone else. I mean, I do sometimes think I am a little crazy to consider it but we are doing just fine all things considered. I just feel I have been struggling most of my life to get ahead (whatever that means) and just when I'm feeling like my life is coming together nicely, I have to hear something like that. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be: my son is more than taken care of (I only provide half his support, his dad provides the other half), I bought a house last year, I have a job I enjoy where I can finally get ahead financially, and I found a wonderful man I'm deeply in love with. If this child I want so much comes about, my youngest will be 18 when this child is 9 years old at the least. I only provide half the support for my son and technically, DBF's ex should be providing some support for their children as well. I know I will be helping to support DBF's children to some extent but it's not the same as if he and I were solely financially responsible for four children. Yes, life gets crazy, yes we are stressed at times, yes there are four children to care for but they are being well cared for and we are doing just fine and we are very happy!
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 Posted: Mon Feb 08, 2010 8:02 pm
_________________ Me
DBF
DS: 7
DSD: 9
DSD: 10
DSD: 14
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Forum index » Journal Categories » Trying to Conceive » Thinking About Conceiving - Another Child » SecondTime's Journal
