Were you a member of The Labor of Love Message Boards? Would you like to reconnect with some old timers?
Feel free to visit The Labor Of Love Alumni on Facebook. If you don't have an account there, you will have to sign up first.
| Author |
Message |
Billie
Joined: 29 Apr 2000
Posts: 1199
|
 Implantation bleeding?
(2 comments)
|
I find myself up at 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday, looking up “implantation bleeding” on the Internet. I am very frustrated to find myself here, again. Even though we have decided definitively to adopt, I have had several “pregnancy scares” in recent months. As I’ve mentioned before, this carelessness is uncharacteristic. I have been off the Pill for over eight years with no unplanned pregnancies. In an attempt to prevent spur-of-the-moment carelessness from derailing our adoption plans, I asked my Dr. for a prescription for birth control pills, but I haven’t started taking them yet. He wrote the prescription in July.
I had an adoption physical with him last week and he asked me how being back on the Pill was going. I sheepishly said I hadn’t started taking them yet. He asked me if I understood that I actually had to take them in order for them to work. (I love my doctor, he’s got this sweet/sarcastic thing going on, plus he’s wonderful with children. He’s a slightly less dreamy version of McDreamy Swoon.)
When I got my first period after filling the prescription, I meant to take them, I really did. But the thought of taking them made me want to cry, and so I didn’t. I hate to see people cry; I hate even more to make them cry. The second month, we were starting to have concerns about being able to adopt a child who was as young as we wanted in the timeframe we wanted from China, and so we decided to explore all the various countries and, in the meantime, I would not go on the Pill in case we decided to go the biological route. By the third month (this month), we had resolved our doubts about adoption. We decided that we really do want to do it and would accept that we couldn’t control much about it, with the philosophy that everything would work out fine and we would get the daughter we were meant to have, regardless of her age or how long it took.
And I think I have managed to resolve my own internal conflict over suppressing my fertility (which was really more about accepting that I’ll never have another biological child, not that I’ve totally accepted that, but I’ve temporarily accepted it while we’re going through the adoption process and will work on totally accepting it later, if that makes any sense). I even managed to pack my pills to bring on this work trip because I was expecting to get my period.
But here I sit, four days after I expected to get my period with no period. This, in and of itself, would not necessarily be a big deal as my cycle varies quite a bit. But since I didn’t get my period when I expected, that means I must not have ovulated when I expected, and as that stretches out, it’s looking more and more likely that we had unprotected sex during my fertile time, which we thought we were avoiding. That doesn’t mean I’m pregnant, of course, but it means the possibility is there. I had the teeniest, tiniest tinge of blood yesterday, which I thought was the beginning of my period, but then there’s been nothing else for almost 24 hours, which is what led me to search the Internet for information about implantation bleeding at 5 a.m. on a Saturday.
This is crazy. I can’t continue to do this month after month. I hereby vow, in front of all my sisters on the Internet, to take the god-damned pills as soon as AF shows up.
And for the record, I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel very anxious and butterflyish. I am mostly hoping I am not, because my daughter is in China and I need to go get her. Plus I am worried about my ability to carry a healthy pregnancy. While I managed to get through both pregnancies without full-blown gestational diabetes, my blood sugars have been elevated since Ned (in the pre-diabetic range), which is pretty much a guarantee that I would have gestational diabetes this time. And there’s a lot going on at work over the next year, which is a lot less important consideration, but still one that adds stress, and I do NOT want to go through another pregnancy completely stressed out like I was with Ned. Plus I’ve had a glass of wine every night this week with dinner.
And now I find myself on the verge of tears. Not because of all of the above reasons that I hope I’m not pregnant, but at the thought of another teeny, tiny, delightfully scrunchy newborn.
Sign my Guestbook
Read My Guestbook
|
 Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 1:04 pm
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You can reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Register
Log in
Forum index » Journal Categories » Trying to Conceive » Trying to Conceive - After 30 » Billie's Journal
